NVC and critical voices.
The supremely talented Indigo Girls celebrate the life and legacy of Virginia Woolf.
What it means to be seen and heard in our own right.
How the voices we hear might one day be heard by others.
What it means to be seen and heard in our own right.
How the voices we hear might one day be heard by others.
How can we learn to respond differently to negative or critical voices that we hear, regardless of their origins?
Whether the nagging voice that sits in our all of our heads at times, the complaining voice that comes from a partner, a work colleague or a friend or a voice of uncertain origin but which some of us hear anyway?
Whether we are in a state of unresolved conflict and tension within ourselves or with others, there are useful strategies that can help us to get in touch with our genuine feelings and reach beyond the habits of judgements and blaming.
Then we may hear what unmet needs may need addressing in our lives.
One of these remarkable strategies is known as N.V.C ( Nonviolent Communication )
Already being widely used in diverse settings, from mediations in personal relationships to work within prisons and hospitals,
Modernising and progressive corporations and businesses wishing to apply new ways of thinking and speaking in order to break down old barriers and "stuckness".
We can learn to adapt and change habitual ways of thinking and believing that we have all "learned" as a by product of our "normal" cultural and social conditioning.
We can, with practice, allow ourselves to let go of systemic ideas that do not serve us well and keep us trapped in blame and shame thinking and a repeating cycle of unhappiness.
We can look at other models of communication that are free from the habit of attaching blame to others for our own unhappiness thinking.
If we are brave enough and willing to allow ourselves to get in touch with our true feelings and desires, we can learn a way that helps us to communicate these more clearly and effectively to one another.
We find that we co create the possibility of identifying the root causes of our unhappy feelings and share with one another the possibility of identifying what specific needs of ours may not be being met adequately. Then we can seek solutions!
From here, we can move to making requests to each other for specific actions that, if agreed, can only help us to get along better and with more ease in our lives.
In effect we collaborate and explore to get some needs satisfied. And we can get into the habit, through the practice, of relinquishing blame and hearing judgements and becoming attached to that particular process.
Some simple examples :
The person you live with complains that you are messy, lazy and untidy. That you show no respect for the home and do not make enough effort to contribute to keeping the place clean.
He is fed up finding a sink filled with dirty cups and the bin never gets emptied... nag, nag , nag etc and this is likely what you might think.
You may even complain to yourself or friends who will listen that this person is making life hard to enjoy as he is a moaner...
The atmosphere sours at home so you avoid contact and stay more often in your room,. Needless to say, he is doing the same!
Now, if you can shift your thinking a little...
First of all, you can sense the distress hidden in complaints and criticisms.
Let´s face it, no one really enjoys being unhappy. But it can be hard to intervene in a negative cycle if all we do is learn to carry resentments around and nurture anger towards the other individual... and vice versa.....
Something needs to change... and we can use the strategies of Non Violent Communication.
It can help us move through a system that can get to the core of the issue and help us get in touch with our genuine feelings and needs as well as those of others....
Maybe we can come to a solution that satisfies us all through a peaceful desire for discussion and a willingness to talk about our real feelings..
This way we find and develop empathy for one another`s situation and perspective.
Let us look at the above example.
Using N.V.C , we can observe that the person complaining seems to be unhappy. We can listen with no judgement but with empathy.
We can acknowledge this by letting them know that we hear these criticisms and we ask if it is ok to talk a little about how we feel when we hear this.
We can let go of our judgements and try to get in touch with our feelings.
We can listen and ask about theirs. That is empathic connection.
We do not attach blame but simply say what we are observing.
We can ask questions to seek out the hidden need behind the complaints.
We can also use empathic listening to hear that there are feelings this person is having which we can verbally acknowledge by inviting them to share or even guessing them if they permit us to.
i.e " When I hear you say that, I wonder if you are feeling like ......? " " When I hear you say that to me, I feel like..." etc etc
Talking about our feelings rather than our thoughts helps develop an empathic connection with one another and we bypass the tricks and ingrained habits of the mind to communicate from the heart instead.
Much more effective and likely to lead to better outcomes!
We can ask what need or needs is behind the complaints, for example, a need for hygiene, ease and comfort.
The ability to find a cup or a plate when eating that does not need scrubbing first.
A need for some orderliness in the kitchen which helps with feeling relaxed. A need to feel supported more in keeping the place clean and hygienic.
The other person may say "yes" to all or some of these, in which case some clarity has been achieved, empathic connection has been established.
Now, you can ask if the person has any specific requests that would help with all of this.
Then you can consider if you can yes or no to any or all of these requests.
For example, " Would it help if I can agree to give a little time each day to help clean the kitchen?"
"Would it help if we can divide up the duties and ask each other for help or support if we need it?"
"How would you feel if I can offer to do some of this?"
There is more to nonviolent communication than this but, it gives a sense of its 'uses and how it might be applied in a simple domestic situation, one we may have all been familiar with at some point in our lives :
i.e student flats, shared housing, or just at home where we all try to live together and get along.
Now, when it comes to hearing voices that are critical and complaining, we might be able to use the NVC method to seek clarity and meaning that may be helpful to increasing opportunities for personal growth.
Often, voices label us with negative names and we may even take these labels on board and own them ourselves.
We get into the habit of confirming and developing self fulfilling prophecies, damaging to our self esteem and that do not serve us well on our life journey.
For example, a voice that tells you are "worthless" and "no use to anyone".." You may as well be dead."...
Hearing voices like this is unlikely to help with self esteem and feelings of self worth.
Could it be possible that this voice is speaking to a desire and need that is unmet within yourself?
That maybe you would like to find a way of being of some worth and value as an individual and that you matter more in this world?
Maybe you might be useful in some small way in your life, to yourself if not to and for others?
Can you seek some way to find out what it means to you to feel worthy?
Can you find a strategy that would help to get this need met?
A voice that says that " life is not worth living" might speak to an unmet need for validation and contribution that you might consider making in some way.
A way that would change the way you feel about yourself.
Can you find some small, helpful and useful things to do that would make this voice less relevant?
Can you think about what small changes you could make that would make you feel that life is actually worth living?
Even if it takes time to get the balls rolling?
A labelling voice that says "you are lazy" might be a voice that is prompting you to be more active in your life and wishing to awaken you to the possibility of looking at activities or hobbies.
Perhaps in some way encouraging you to increase your energy and application, finding useful and satisfying things to do.
Maybe volunteering a little for a worthwhile cause, looking after your health and needs more effectively.
Possibly finding a group to join such as yoga, meditation, cooking which may enrich your life a little.
Perhaps behind this voice comment is a need for you to belong and to contribute more in some small way to enrich yourself and your community.
I have worked with individuals who were troubled by these of voices and in some cases, listening safely to the voices and learning to re-interpret them a little and seek out the hidden need behind the voice has proved very helpful.
Rather than just trying to ignore them and not really choosing to respond in a way that helps bring about some subtle but positive changes.. which in turn help us to alter the way we feel and the way we think about ourselves.
When people made some decisions and took some simple actions, in many cases these negative voices were diminished in their power.
In time, they appeared less regularly, as the individual started to feel better about themselves.
If it was cleaning out a nearby river on Sundays, shopping for the lady with the disability and bringing it home for her once a week.
Or simply deciding to paint and decorate a dull bedroom, it helped to blow off the dust and got folk moving ahead again.
Consequently, the person slowly developed a more positive outlook on life.
They developed a sense of making quality of life choices, decisions that gave then more autonomy, increased self belief and personal power.
The voice that was so critical now had less to complain about too!
Explore more here : www.cnvc.org