t I met John at a local meditation group and he had been on my website, having heard a little of of my hearing voices awareness raising work. As we were leaving, he asked if I could spare some time. He told me he had been feeling lost for some time, out of touch with himself and the world as we shared over a coffee of his challenges, his fears, his profound despondency and his hopes. Ten years ago, he had made a small decision that would change and alter his life profoundly. Happily married, with two beautiful young daughters, he had always been the one to drive them to school before heading off to his office job for a large computer company. But, this one particular morning was different. He had a thorny issue at work, difficulties relating to a new employee that he was meant to coach into her new role. But John was struggling. He sensed that she did not really like him and, being sensitive, this had placed some strains on their working relationship. So he hadn´t slept, tossing and moaning in his sleep, disturbing his wife so much that she had to wake him. It was 3.am. He tried to resettle himself for an hour, did some deep breathing and eventually fell back in to the arms of Morpheus. The next morning, he failed to hear the alarm and slept later than normal. He was woken by his wife with a kiss and she said "Don´t worry darling. Go to sleep for another hour and I will take the car and do the school run. See you in a little while": And she was gone. The next he knew, he was startled into wakefulness by his phone ringing. It was the police. There had been a terrible crash. His wife was in surgery. At the hospital he discovered that both his girls were dead. He wanted it to be a terrible dream, but it was real. And so a double funeral, his wife slowly recovering from her physical injuries, a house filled with toys, colourful bedrooms, books and games and pictures on the walls. The trauma was so intense that they were frozen in time. He took some leave from his job and they tried to support each other through the grieving process. Every night was filled with disturbing nightmares, his mind trying to imagine what those last seconds were like for the girls. He began to drink to try and silence the pain so that he might sleep again. He blamed himself, sometimes he blamed his wife, he should have driven the car that day. It was a very hard time for everyone. It was not possible for them to even imagine being happy again. They were gripped by their shared sadness and both relied on medication to ease the burden. Three months later he was let go by his boss. He was no longer fit or able to do the necessary work. His apprentice would take over and he was given a generous pay off. And soon the anniversary would arrive of that fateful day and he was again plunged into guilt. A few weeks before, he began to hear a voice telling him that life was no longer with living, that he should end it. Then his wife told him that she had to leave. She had spent each night since the accident sleeping in the girls room and crying herself to sleep. He would be drunk in the living room and eventually prone on the sofa. And so, she packed a case and was gone when he came round, the wedding ring left on the table with a note. He described it to me as the lowest point of his life. He just didn´t want to be here anymore. It was all too unbearable. And that´s when he took a massive overdose. When John came round he was in a hospital. The doctors had saved his life. He was told that his sister had called him and when he didn´t pick up the phone, had driven across town, let herself in with a spare key and called an ambulance. It took a few weeks, talks to doctors, some therapy, some anti depressants and he was able to go home again. He put the house up for sale and moved into a small apartment and, after a talk with an old friend, joined a bereavement support group. The divorce finally got done and he was free again, but for what? He became something of a hermit ,spending time on computer games and listening to podcasts that offered spiritual support. He discovered Alan Watts, Ram Dass and others. He improved his diet and reduced his drinking. He lost weight and had a daily fitness routine, joining a gym, enlisting in a class. He read books on spiritual growth, different ways of looking at life and death, asking what there was that might be learnt from such a painful and devastating experience? He made a big decision, that he would remain on his own and stay single. Never again would he feel the kind of pain he had endured. His heart was closed. Incremental steps on the journey of self survival. And so the days, weeks and months ticked slowly by with him treading water and trying not to drown. He did some healing work on himself, attended yoga retreats and found friendship online with people who were also struggling to come to terms with such losses. He started to meditate, at first weekly in a group, then daily by himself. He began to accept that he could not rewrite the past, even though he wished it. One evening he had a deep insight. He saw just how lonely he was and longed for meaningful human connection. " I said to myself, what would the girls have wanted for me? And you know what? I decided, in a deep meditation to ask them. And at some point, sat on my floor and with two candles burning in the darkness, right next to their photos. I asked them directly. If they could hear me, were they okay and what did they want for me next? To please speak to me.. And they did. I don´t know how I did it. It was like I had conjured them up. But they spoke to me and were giggling and laughing, They said that they were fine and I was not to worry. That we would all be together again one day. But for now that they were really sad because I was so unhappy. And they could see that I was very lonely". It was after this "conversation" that he joined a "meetup" group and was intrigued to see what sort of things were going on in his neighbourhood, and was surprised by how many choices there were for groups and social activities. And it was here, in one of these,that he met "Monica", a light hearted and sensitive person with a love of forests, walks and fresh air. She was single and divorced, a librarian and a good conversationalist. They met, along with others every Sunday afternoon, and he often found himself strolling beside her, chatting of this and that. They discovered shared interests, books, music and food, meditation and, like John, she had also lost a loved one, her brother to a sudden illness just three years ago. They bonded and connected on different levels. John was nervous. He realised that she was a sort of "soul traveller" and kindred spirit. They went out together for coffee and the next week a meal and he had his first home visitor in almost two years. And they talked for five hours, sharing much of themselves. In fact, it was so late that she slept in his spare room and left for work with a kiss on the cheek and a hug in the morning. Could it be possible? Could love come again in his life? Or was it too much to risk? Maybe it was best to be solitary. His heart had been broken so badly that exposing his vulnerabilities again seemed an irrational thing to do. But he sensed that they had made a deep connection. And he felt the stirrings of emotions that had been dormant for so very long. Empathy, openness, sharing and caring. He was excited and befuddled and, despite meditating on the matter, could get no real insight. So he did the best thing he could think of, he decided to ask the girls. "And guess what"_ he told me, "I created the setting again, lit the candles, breathed myself into a peaceful state and looked at their beautiful faces in the photo frames. It was just me and them and it was wonderful. I played a piece of music that was their bedtime listen, very sweet and with a flute and a bell and I asked them to come to my aid. What should I do about meeting this new woman?" "What did they say?" I asked. He drank the last of his coffee, started to put on his coat and smiled. "Well, let us put it this way. They liked her, they said what have I got to lose? And to get on with it and ask her to come on a date." "And so?" "Well, l am still seeing her and we are definitely a little bit in love. So I am very pleased with that. Also I am happy to simply see where it goes and with no expectations except that we have fun and relaxing times with each other. And I am working again in a job that I like and she gave me the confidence to apply for it. A great company and I have a future again. And the girls are happy too" "Good, and you still talk with them?" I asked. "Oh yes, every Sunday at 8 pm. We talk about lots of different things". I asked about the voice he had heard in the darkest days, telling him to end everything. Whose voice did he think that was? "Oh, that was my voice of ultimate despair. And that voice is gone now. Thanks so much for listening and understanding." And with that, he looked at his watch, put on his coat, shook my hand and was gone to catch his train home. He had a dinner date to get to. .
0 Comments
|
Archives
July 2021
AuthorActivist/ Health worker/ 20 years. Specific interests : wellness/ voice hearing/ coping/ exploring/ sharing/ stigma reduction. |